I Love You Just The Same
by ArgetlamShadowmoon
Summary: Jim receives a letter that he was not expecting, sending his whole world crashing down. But perhaps from the rubble, something new may come to be. "On the desk was a sheet of paper, and Jim took one look at it before the tears began to sting his eyes once more."


Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, I'd torture these boys so sweetly in the name of love.

Thanks so very much to genpad here on FFN, without whom none of this would at all be possible.

* * *

Jim woke up with a groan to the sound of his personal alarm ringing throughout his chambers. It was too early in the morning for him to wake up.

"Computer, alarm off. And what time is it, again?"

"It is 0700 hours, captain."

He didn't remember setting his alarm, which means that Bones must have done it last night before they fell asleep. Speaking of Bones, where was he? Jim swore that he'd fallen asleep cuddled into Bones' side last night, after the best night of sex he'd had in his life, but he dismissed it with a wave. Bones was probably getting an early start on the day. That wouldn't be unusual for the surly doc; he worked far more than was healthy, which was ironic seeing as he was the ship's CMO.

Jim swung his legs around and stood up, making his way over to his bathroom. On the door was a note, saying,_ "Remember your meeting with the Admiralty at 0800, Jim! xo, Bones_."

Jim chuckled to himself. That was just like Bones. Just another day in the life then, and that also explained why Bones had set the alarm last night. But anyway, Jim needed to hurry if he was going to make the meeting in time. Jim stripped off his clothes and stepped under the shower head. He was less than impressed with sonic showers, but they did their job, and he did always feel clean afterwards.

"Right then, time to get ready for the day.", Jim thought with a mental sigh. He hated these meetings with the Admiralty, because the Admiralty viewed him as little more than a child who stumbled into the Captain's chair, and they never seem to let him forget it. Luckily Chris, sorry, Admiral Pike was Chairman and never let the others do too much damage to Jim's psyche.

* * *

This time, since the Enterprise was currently docked at Starfleet for repairs in preparation for her new mission, the Admirals were sitting around the table in the Enterprise's conference room. As he walked into the room, a truly welcome voice greeted him, "Captain Kirk, please have a seat," spoke Admiral Pike gently, "let's get to business."

Over the next hour or so, the Admirals and Jim discussed the Enterprise's new mission, along with a few new amendments to the Federation Constitution, and the re-envisioned Prime Directive. It was all a bunch of legal and technical jargon, so Jim only paid as much attention as needed to seem like he was listening. He knew Chris would send him a written copy of everything, because he knew Jim was much more of a visual person anyway, but still he wasn't completely zoned out for the entire meeting.

Towards the end of the meeting, all the Admirals began to act more shifty than usual, like they were trying to hide something. By virtue of being Admirals, they were always trying to hide something but this seemed different. Like they really didn't want to discuss this in front of Jim. Well, whatever, that was their business. As long as it didn't harm him or his crew, he'd be okay with it. But if it turned out that they knew something that could have saved lives, he'd never let them forget it. Admiral Pike called for any last business which needed discussion, and no one immediately spoke up, so Jim thought that it couldn't be that important.

He didn't know how wrong he was.

"Actually, Captain, there is one last matter to deal with," said Admiral Barnett, since none of the other 4 admirals would say anything.

Jim liked Admiral Barnett. He was fair, honest, loyal, and Jim didn't blame him for being head of the Academy Board a few years ago. Jim would, however, never forgive him for what he said next.

"What do you think of Geoffrey M'Benga as a candidate to replace Leonard McCoy as Chief Medical Officer?"

Jim visibly reeled. "What are you talking about? What happened to Bones? Did he do something wrong? Why are you firing him?"

Admiral Pike glared at Admiral Barnett before speaking softly, "Captain...Jim, he didn't do anything wrong. He tendered his resignation this morning. Were you not aware?"

Jim sat in shock for a few moments before his words returned to him. He shook his head fiercely as the tears began to roll. "I didn't check my PADD this morning. I didn't have the opportunity. But you're wrong. He wouldn't do that without telling me. You're lying." Jim screamed before standing up and running from the room.

* * *

He got to Bones' office in record time, passing only Nurse Chapel on the way. She gave him a pitying look and he couldn't take it, so he may have said some harsh things to get her to back off. He'd have to apologize later, but now he needed to get to Bones. Maybe Jim could catch him in his office.

After using his override on the door, Jim's heart plummeted to his feet. The room was empty except for a desk and a single chair behind it. No sign that Bones had worked here, hell, practically lived here, was present. What did he do to Bones? Why would Bones suddenly leave without warning? Without a sign that there were problems in their relationship?

On the desk was a sheet of paper, and Jim took one look at it before the tears began to sting his eyes once more.

**MEMO**

**To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise**  
**From: Lt. Cmdr Leonard H. McCoy, CMO, USS Enterprise**

**Stardate 2261.46**

As of 0600 this morning, I, Leonard H. McCoy, do hereby resign my post as Chief Medical Officer aboard the USS Enterprise. My reasons are personal, and I request that they remain private. I ask that I be afforded merely one consideration; that Geoffrey M'Benga be seriously considered to take my post following my departure. It has been an honor serving under you, Captain, and I do wish the Enterprise and her crew a speedy journey and a safe expedition. I have already packed my belongings and have vacated the Enterprise as laid out in Section of the Starfleet Code of Conduct. Please forward any urgent communication to Starfleet HQ to be dispersed to me.

_**Lt. Commander Leonard H. McCoy**_

Jim looks at the resignation letter in his hand and turns it over, hoping for something more personal from his Bones. He smiled a watery smile in relief when such a thing did exist. Attached to the formal memo was a letter in Bones' handwriting. Multiple teardrops stained the page, and Jim had an image of Bones crying while writing it, which cut him to the quick.

_Jim, _

_I love you. Darlin', never for a second doubt that. Nor should you ever doubt that I trust you. But it's because of this love and trust that I must do this. You would never betray me by going for Spock while we were still together. But I can see how you two look at each other. And it's been a long time since you looked at me with the same lust and desire that you look at him with. I know that I'm not your intellectual equal. I'd never compare to that green-blooded hobgoblin in that regard. He's probably the second-smartest man I know. (The first is pretty obvious, darlin'.) And hell, I'm just a country boy who lucked his way into being a doctor, I get that. _

_You know that old saying,"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was always yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."? Well, I'm setting you free, and I'm pretty sure you weren't mine to begin with. I know you Jim, so I know how much reading this is hurting you. Believe me, writing this letter is tearing my soul out too, but it's for the best. I love you more than you'll ever know, and so I'm bowing out gracefully. Make sure he treats you kind, Jim. I will kick his ass if he hurts you. I would have no qualms about hurting the pointy-eared bastard. But not simply because he makes you happier than I ever could._

_I'm sorry that I'm leaving the Enterprise, Jim, but as much as I love you and am so glad that you're going to be happy, I cannot stand around and watch the two of you together. It would break my heart even more than it already is by giving you up. You were it, Jim. You were my last chance at happiness, and you made me happier than anyone ever has before. I will always cherish those memories. They are the best memories. Thank you for all of my happiness._

_I can't bear to love again after this. You were my everything, Jim. But my everything deserves true happiness, even if it's not with me. I will always remember your blazing kisses, your fiery passion, and your declarations of love. Hell, the first time you said "I love you", I had to hypospray you to make sure you were sober. You helped me realize what real love meant, and I'm forever grateful. You made me more than a grumpy, space-scared, Georgia boy doc, and I'll never be the same for having loved James Tiberius Kirk._

_You're probably wondering where I'm going. Well, Starfleet has been hounding me to come head up the Medical side of things, so, I'm taking the post of Starfleet Surgeon General. I kept telling them that my place was beside you, but you don't need me anymore. You've got Spock. You two will do wonders together. I know it. _

_I'm going to find a house in the area. I think I may even sue Jocelyn for custody of Joanna. What court could turn me down? One day, maybe we could still be friends, Jim? I know it's a lot to ask, but I'm hopeful. Regardless, you'll be happy, and that's all that matters._

_Well, I'm rambling on like an old man, and you have a ship to get back to. So, I leave you with this:_

_I'll love you today,  
I'll love you tomorrow,  
I'll love you forever and a day.  
You've stolen my heart,  
You've captured my soul,  
But now, you've gone away.  
And though it hurts,  
And though we're apart,  
I love you just the same._

_Goodbye, Jim. I love you with depths of my soul and the strength of my heart._

_Love, forever;_  
_Your Bones_

Jim's sobbing was uncontrollable at this point. Bones was gone, possibly forever, and it was all Jim's fault. How could Jim have been so ignorant of Bones needs and worries? Jim didn't even realize that Bones had seen the way he looked at Spock. Something about Spock just called to Jim, he couldn't help it. In fact, hadn't old Spock mentioned "great destiny" or something like that? Bones was right, though, Jim never would have done anything about it while he and Bones were together. He may have a lot of love to share, but he was not a cheater. (Not even on the Kobayashi Maru, thank you.) Neither was Spock, and until recently, he'd been with Lt. Uhura. Jim wondered why they broke up, but he thought he may have understood.

Bones was perfect for Jim. Bones was one of the smartest men he knew, so Bones was more than his intellectual equal. Bones was beyond perfect for Jim. He always knew how to calm Jim down when Jim got upset. He always knew how to cheer Jim up when he was down, and he knew more than well enough about how to turn Jim on. So why didn't Bones think he was good enough?

But still, Bones had just left. He hadn't talked to Jim about this. He hadn't mentioned any of this, and he certainly hadn't acted like there were problems in their relationship. Bones claimed to love him. Hell, he even wrote the most beautiful poetry for Jim. Jim was sure that Bones really did love him. Jim loved Bones equally as much, but it hurt so much. How could Bones hurt him like this? Jim didn't know how he was going to get through this.

Jim heard a gut-wrenching sound of sheer panic and pain before realizing that, by virtue of being the only person in the room, it had come from him. Bones was giving him up. He was never going to see Bones again, and he couldn't handle it. He fell to his knees and sobbed into the chair where Bones used to sit.

Bones claimed he was never going to love anyone else, so why didn't Bones stay and fight? Was Jim not worth enough to Bones? No, that wasn't true. Jim meant everything to Bones, Bones had written. And that was the problem. Jim's happiness meant more to Bones than his own, and he walked away to ensure that Jim was happy. But Jim didn't understand, because he was happy. With Bones.

Bones didn't need Jim to be happy though. Jim was just holding him back. Now that he'd left Jim, he'd have a far better job, a stable home away from space and fear, he'd have his daughter back which would mean everything to Bones, and he'd be safe. Bones had said that Jim didn't need him anymore, but in fact, it was the opposite that was true. Bones didn't need Jim anymore. There was no place for Jim in Bones' life anymore and that thought brought with it a crippling air of finality.

Jim could feel his chest getting tighter and he knew he was starting to hyperventilate so he called out for help before the world began to lose focus...

"I love you, Bones." Jim choked out, as the world went black.

* * *

"Captain. Captain, are you awake?" A deep voice spoke, crisply, calmly.

Jim blinked open his eyes to the familiar setting of Sickbay and his usual bed. Bones used to say.. At the thought of Bones, the tears spring unbidden to his eyes.

"Captain, are you feeling better?" The voice asked again, which now that he was more awake Jim realized belonged to his XO.

"Yes, Commander, I'm fine." Jim spoke tersely. Spock was part of the reason Bones left.

"The crew was concerned about you, Captain."

"I'm fine."

"Yes, so it would seem. But you were very much not 'fine' an hour ago. Am I to take it this had something to do with Dr. McCoy's departure?" Spock seemed concerned, which couldn't be true.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Spock. Perhaps your logical Vulcan mind is confused!" Jim was being rude to Spock, he knew, but he couldn't help but be pissed at Spock for Bones leaving.

"Captain, I am referring to the fact that you and the doctor were in a committed relationship as of last night. Did something happen then?" That was concern. Jim could have just answered kindly, and he probably should have, but...

"Yes, something happened. Bones dumped me because of you!", Jim screamed at Spock, who didn't visibly react in any way.

"Captain, that is illogical. I assure you that I had nothing to do with Dr. McCoy's resignation." Spock spoke calmly, and with distinct composure.

"You had everything to do with it. He left me because of the way you look at me." Jim spat forcefully.

Spock, to his credit, looked truly sheepish. He looked down and Jim saw that the tips of his ears were green. "Captain, I apologize for any impropriety that I may have brought upon you or myself. I understand that the hope of reciprocation would be most illogical. I shall endeavor to view you only as my Captain from now on, sir. I didn't realize that the thought would offend you so. You have my deepest apologies, sir." Spock turned to leave.

Jim wanted to stay mad at the Vulcan, but he just couldn't do it. "Bones also left because of the way I looked at you back, you know. He saw that I looked at you in very much the same way that you looked at me. And you should never be ashamed of having an interest in anybody, no matter which species or gender they may be."

Spock turned around and Jim saw the slightest hint of a smile on his face. Jim was never going to let him live it down.

"Obviously, I need time to process what happened. It's going to take some time for things to get better. But, would you mind just sitting with me for a while?" Jim asked, hesitantly.

"I have a better idea, Cap.."

"Call me Jim, Spock.", Jim said kindly.

"Very well, Jim. I have a better idea. Would you like to play a few rounds of chess? I believe you play, and I have been looking for a suitable challenger for myself aboard the Enterprise."

"I think I'd like that very much, Spock."

Jim knew that this was when the healing had to start. He still felt the absence of Bones acutely, like a dagger through his side, but he knew the ache would fade. Bones would be happy, Jim thought. Bones would be happy that Jim would one day be okay without him. The thought hurt Jim deep in his chest, but he'd get used to it. Jim knew that his broken heart wouldn't heal in a day. It may not even heal in a year, but all he could do was to take it day by day.


End file.
